The reality of all this has really hit me this week. I'm so thankful that we were in the hospital when Caleb went into distress; however, the nervousness of being at home (one day soon, prayerfully) and that it can happen at any time has me on edge. I realized the reality of how fragile his little life is and will forever be. His heart will never be repaired, but by the grace of God, will help him function and live a full and happy life.
I've had multiple people say that I'm do positive. I laugh to myself because I'm unfortunately so opposite that and pray daily for that gift. I constantly think negatively and fear the worst. Of course, being in the PCICU for so long and seeing as much as we've seen, it's easy to be scared. I just keep telling myself to write positively so that I'll think that way, and lean on God.
Precious Friend, Proverbs 23:7 says "so a man thinketh, so is he". It is the power of thanking God for the miracles he hasn't put into play yet that is true faith. It is knowing that dwelling in the darkness when you are a child of the light does not bear fruit. It is also knowing that even in the depth if this incomprehensible and overwhelming fear there is hope and grace and love beyond measure. Your world right now is kinda full of really scary stuff. To acknowledge that isn't being negative, it's being real. And where the rubber meets the road is how you handle the real stuff. You choose to dwell in possibility, to exude hope, and to be open and vulnerable about your perfect humanity. Bravo! So my precious friend thinketh, so she is. I love you so much and am so proud to be your friend and to love your family!
ReplyDeleteYou never have to be overwhelmed as you all will take each of his challenges as they come and will deal with what is at hand to the best of your ability! The challenge is not thinking about what "could be"...because we all could have anything happen to us at any time...Do not worry is his commandment...that is the only way to get through this the way He entends. Life will be so much simpler living in the moment...thanking Him everyday for the day he has given us...Life can be sweeter in this way!:).
ReplyDeleteHave a HAPPY MOTHERS DAY Ashley! Caleb is so beautiful! Thanks so much for sharing you honest feelings and Caleb's recovery with us! You are so loved and so admired by so many! You are never alone. The Severson Family
Ashley-
ReplyDeleteI'm Carrie- Connie and John Hyduke's daughter- you and I haven't 'hung out' in about 30 years or so! :) I think I remember sitting in the back of your mom's wagon making faces at the cars behind us... Did I make that up? :) Anyways, my mom sent me your blog address. I've been following Caleb's progress and praying for you guys. Your strength and faith is inspiring to me. I don't think you should be hard on yourself if you start feeling a little negative at times- those anxieties and worries are a natural part of being a mom... We react to what's happening to our precious children, and I don't think we can 'turn it off'! :) It's what we do when we feel that way that makes a difference, and you're focusing on the fact that God is so much bigger than anything that we deal with here on Earth. The land of the 'what-ifs' is a scary place to be, but like you said- taking a deep breath and praying about it does help. You have a great verse listed above- Philippians 4: 6-7. I also like the Serenity prayer- I use the entire prayer (not the shorter version we always see)- and it's printed in several places at work and home. It helps remind me to accept and deal with the world as it is, not focus on what I wish was different about it. That's definitely a daily struggle for me! :) I'll keep praying for peace and strength for you, and for Caleb's health and progress. It seems to me like you're an AMAZING mom! God gave Caleb the perfect mom for him and his needs! I hope you're having a fantastic Mother's Day!