One year ago today, we walked beside our baby and his team of cardiac anesthesiologists down the hall, quickly opened his tent for a kiss, then said our goodbyes, then poured ourselves into prayer as he entered his first open heart surgery. I remember every single thing and moment about that day; although at the time, it felt like I was living in a blur. I remember not wanting to move from my seat in the waiting room, in fear that I would miss our surgeon coming out to find us, I remember watching the waiting room fill up at the start of the day…. and empty at the end. (Caleb's surgery was over 10 hours long.) I had to leave a few times to go pump. While sitting in the little pumping room, a friend posted a song that I know God wanted me to hear on that morning. Incredibly, someone just this week reposted it again! It is Carrie Underwood and Vince Gill singing "How Great Thou Art".
http://faithtap.com/402/how-great-thou-art/
I sat in the little room by myself, volume on my phone turned all the way up, singing these beautiful words of this song from my heart, tears engulfing my face, pleading for God to be with my baby. I know I pushed repeat over and over.
As I just listened to it again, I have that same gut wrenching feeling… the one that almost makes you want to throw up. I truly want to shout the words. "When I in awesome wonder, consider all the worlds Thy hands have made…Then sings my soul…"
As I reflect on that day, knowing that my baby's chest was opened, his heart stopped, ….. and I reflect on the last 365 days, I think on how Great our God is. He provided our comfort then as he does every day. His power is displayed through Caleb. He is living proof, living and breathing with half a heart!
I think I've portrayed a hard shell on this blog and that is selfishly for me and my husband. Although he's relatively doing pretty good right now, I live daily in worry, staring at his breathing, worried that something will go wrong. It is a worry that I choose not to get me down, or to dwell on or be visible to the outside world; but rather to be on guard, knowing that he is just fragile. Many ask me how he's doing, and I say, "great"! Which he is…. it's just hard to not let my mind wander to the unknown of the future, at times. In spite of this, I choose not to live this way, but to bow in humble adoration while singing praises at the top of my voice, "HOW GREAT THOU ART!"
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